the crazy year i was 21

a time line of the significant events in my life that aunty gwen asked us to do

Child
Youth
Adult

not drawn to scale...

thinking about it, 21 was a crazy crazy year...
love, death, many 1sts.

it was also the year i went totally bersak.
i hated not being good enough.
someone i really cared for made me feel disposable...
i was not good enough to be in a K4.... (the only serious chance in sea games then)
some ppl saw me as a 'bad influence' for not being the typical demure church girl...
.
.
.

i'm egoistical, that is how i survive.
but there comes a point where even my self defence cannot hold and i start doubting my self worth.

music was my outlet...
din finish it cos it was difficult to speak objectively about pain when you are still feeling it.

never enough (its played to C G A F )

i'm not strong enough, i'm not fast enough,
didn't win enough, i'm not good enough.

i'm not nice enough, i'm not sweet enough,
i'm not kind enough, i think i'm rather mean.

how can i be happy being me when all of you thrash my dignity.

i'm not smart enough, i'm not fun enough,
i'm not young enough, not mature enough.

i don't love enough, i don't pray enough,
i didn't serve enough, i didn't do enough.

you just throw me away when i'm useless to you.
you call me heartless when you're cruel too.
those who love me call me a fool.
why does it matter so much to me that i'm never enough for you

dont try to sing it, its unfinished.

i cant really remember the tune myself... dug it out from my music book

i worked my way up until i realized that i was numb.
i din know why i worked so hard. i din seem to love anything anymore.
not the team, not friends, not medals, not the sport.
why the heck was i doing what i was doing?!?!?!

i could not give it up although falling passion= falling performance.
but they slowly gave up on me it seemed.
so one day it ended. i was out of the line up.

i wonder if they are still pissed at me.
all i dare to do is read your blogs, ask others, and smile at your highs and sigh at your lows.

xiao hui, i'm sorry about your mom.
belle, i'm sorry about your sis in law.
i'm sorry that all i could do for you all was pray.
no,.... i COULD have done more... but i din dare appear.

girls, i'm sorry i just left. just like that, only informing the neccessary.
at that time i thought it was for the best.
i was a serious pain-in-the-ass.

gambatte teamNUS. whether you believe it or not, i care.